DoD: Spouses Selling Snake Oil and Potions at All-Time High

Duffel Blog

I haven’t shared anything from the guys at Duffel Blog  for some time. Check out what thae’ve been up to! Today, we learn that military  spouses are selling snake oil…(all of the submissions published on Duffel Blog are  of a satirical nature. Please see disclaimer below): 

Disclaimer

THE PENTAGON — A thriving market of completely useless and laughably marketed schemes peddled by military spouses has exploded in military communities around the country this year, Pentagon sources said today.

According to Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook, get-rich-quick pyramid scams like “It Helps!” and “Blexxus,” once derided as “clearly bullshit” and “obvious Ponzi schemes,” have proliferated at an alarming rate..
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Drone Pilot Traumatizes Kids At Local Career Day Duffel Blog Image from US Air Force


LAS VEGAS — Parents are concerned about the decision of Davis Elementary Principal Bruce Tanner’s controversial decision to invite an Air Force drone pilot to their local career day, sources tell Duffel Blog. Captain Steven “Widow-Maker” Johnson had offered to attend for the last several years, and was finally invited this year. Read more

22 Ways to Be a Modern Military Man


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U.S. Army Special Forces soldier and Veterinarian Lt. Col. Stephen Goldsmith

Duffel Blog

NSFW
The modern military man has not changed very much since the dawn of warfare. Sure, we have the F-35, ICBMs, and Blue Force Trackers, but men who engage in land warfare are still classically trained warriors who merely use technology as an improvisational tool.
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Terrorists Clamor To Apply For US ‘Power Vacuum Sweepstakes’


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Wikipedia

Duffel Blog

THE PENTAGON — Terrorist groups around the world will no longer wait in suspense to learn if their regimes will be toppled for them by the United States, allowing their otherwise under-supplied and untrained forces to seize power almost effortlessly. According to the State Department, the United States is opening a “Power Vacuum Sweepstakes,” in which terrorists can compete to have their country’s government forcibly removed by uncoordinated airstrikes.
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Veteran With PTSD Tells Neighborhood Not To Have Any Fun This 4th Of July


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Duffle Blog

Duffel Blog

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Mike Tyler, an Army veteran who diagnosed himself with PTSD four years ago, is asking everyone to please respect his veteran status and forgo anything fun this Independence Day weekend.
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Army Cancels Black Light Equipment Inspections


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Duffel Blog

FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Senior leaders at the Pentagon have shelved a controversial new policy mandating 100% black light inspections during Central Issue Facility (CIF) turn-in. Public documents indicate that the testing led to the condemnation of the Fort Drum CIF for violation of the New York State Health Code 1.68, Section 5, as it “constituted a danger or nuisance, or was otherwise prejudicial to the public health.”
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NCO Gives Daily 45 Minute Speech on Importance of Not Wasting Time


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Photo credit: US Navy

Duffel Blog

NORFOLK, Va. — The deck department of USS San Antonio listened to Boatswain’s Mate 1st Class Raymond Bernard give another 45 minute speech about how they shouldn’t waste time this morning, sources tell Duffel Blog.
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ISIS Hit With Massive Wireless Bill After Sending ‘Message To America’


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Duffel Blog
TIKRIT, Iraq — The Islamic State is rethinking its mobile carrier today, after sending a message to America that wound up costing it $73 million in overage charges on its wireless plan, Duffel Blog has learned. Read more

Military Drawing Up Plans For Nationwide Gun Confiscations


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Duffel Blog

Duffel Blog

WASHINGTON, DC – A senior U.S. general has confirmed that the military has secretly drawn up plans to round up large numbers of privately-owned firearms from American gun owners. Read more

Navy Fires More Captains than Torpedoes


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ceremony on the ship's fantail last week. (Photo credit: US Navy/Office of Public Demonstrations

Duffel Blog
NORFOLK, Va. — With the recent firing of Navy Capt. Rachel Haltner, commanding officer of the USNS Comfort, shortly before a deployment to South America, the Navy has officially fired more captains than torpedoes over the last five years, Naval History and Heritage Command has announced. Read more

Soldiers In Kuwait Awarded Purple Heart For Chlorine Exposure


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Image credit: US Army

Duffel Blog

WASHINGTON — Hundreds of soldiers who were stationed at Camp Arifjan over the last decade are set to receive Purple Hearts due to their exposure to dangerous levels of chlorine at the base swimming pool, Pentagon officials report.
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Ex-Wife Funds Wedding Weekend With Your SGLI


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Duffel Blog

LAS VEGAS — Your ex-wife and new husband David Cargill were both spotted yesterday exchanging vows at “A Little White Wedding Chapel” in a Velocity Yellow 2015 Corvette Z06 convertible. Sources confirmed the sports car, along with a five carat diamond ring, size DD silicone breasts, and rhinestone-studded Ed Hardy tuxedo, were all purchased with your lump sum SGLI payment.
“On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.”
– Henry David Thoreau
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Judge Sentences Aaron Hernandez To Serve Time On West Point Football Team


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Duffel Blog

FALL RIVER, Mass. — Former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez was found guilty Wednesday of first-degree murder and sentenced to serve a minimum of four years hard time on the West Point football team. Read more

Platoon Sergeant Claims 38 Soldiers On His Tax Return


Duffel Blog
NSFW
FORT RILEY, Kan. — After 7 years of litigation and $75,000 in legal fees, Sgt. 1st Class James Kinchloe finally gets to claim his entire platoon on his tax return.
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Why Army Officers Should Not Be Given Hand Grenades


Duffel Blog

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We are in no way, shape, or form, a real news outlet. Everything on this website is satirical and the content of this site is a parody of a news organization. No composition should be regarded as truthful, and no reference of an individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm.

All characters, groups, and military units appearing in these works are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual military units and companies is purely coincidental.