I haven’t shared anything from the guys at Duffel Blog for some time. Check out what thae’ve been up to! Today, we learn that military spouses are selling snake oil…(all of the submissions published on Duffel Blog are of a satirical nature. Please see disclaimer below):
THE PENTAGON — A thriving market of completely useless and laughably marketed schemes peddled by military spouses has exploded in military communities around the country this year, Pentagon sources said today.
According to Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook, get-rich-quick pyramid scams like “It Helps!” and “Blexxus,” once derided as “clearly bullshit” and “obvious Ponzi schemes,” have proliferated at an alarming rate.. Read more
LAS VEGAS — Parents are concerned about the decision of Davis Elementary Principal Bruce Tanner’s controversial decision to invite an Air Force drone pilot to their local career day, sources tell Duffel Blog. Captain Steven “Widow-Maker” Johnson had offered to attend for the last several years, and was finally invited this year. Read more
NSFW The modern military man has not changed very much since the dawn of warfare. Sure, we have the F-35, ICBMs, and Blue Force Trackers, but men who engage in land warfare are still classically trained warriors who merely use technology as an improvisational tool. Read more
THE PENTAGON — Terrorist groups around the world will no longer wait in suspense to learn if their regimes will be toppled for them by the United States, allowing their otherwise under-supplied and untrained forces to seize power almost effortlessly. According to the State Department, the United States is opening a “Power Vacuum Sweepstakes,” in which terrorists can compete to have their country’s government forcibly removed by uncoordinated airstrikes. Read more
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Mike Tyler, an Army veteran who diagnosed himself with PTSD four years ago, is asking everyone to please respect his veteran status and forgo anything fun this Independence Day weekend. Read more
FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Senior leaders at the Pentagon have shelved a controversial new policy mandating 100% black light inspections during Central Issue Facility (CIF) turn-in. Public documents indicate that the testing led to the condemnation of the Fort Drum CIF for violation of the New York State Health Code 1.68, Section 5, as it “constituted a danger or nuisance, or was otherwise prejudicial to the public health.” Read more
NORFOLK, Va. — The deck department of USS San Antonio listened to Boatswain’s Mate 1st Class Raymond Bernard give another 45 minute speech about how they shouldn’t waste time this morning, sources tell Duffel Blog. Read more
TIKRIT, Iraq — The Islamic State is rethinking its mobile carrier today, after sending a message to America that wound up costing it $73 million in overage charges on its wireless plan, Duffel Blog has learned. Read more
NORFOLK, Va. — With the recent firing of Navy Capt. Rachel Haltner, commanding officer of the USNS Comfort, shortly before a deployment to South America, the Navy has officially fired more captains than torpedoes over the last five years, Naval History and Heritage Command has announced. Read more
WASHINGTON — Hundreds of soldiers who were stationed at Camp Arifjan over the last decade are set to receive Purple Hearts due to their exposure to dangerous levels of chlorine at the base swimming pool, Pentagon officials report. Read more
LAS VEGAS — Your ex-wife and new husband David Cargill were both spotted yesterday exchanging vows at “A Little White Wedding Chapel” in a Velocity Yellow 2015 Corvette Z06 convertible. Sources confirmed the sports car, along with a five carat diamond ring, size DD silicone breasts, and rhinestone-studded Ed Hardy tuxedo, were all purchased with your lump sum SGLI payment.
“On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.”
– Henry David Thoreau Read more
FALL RIVER, Mass. — Former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez was found guilty Wednesday of first-degree murder and sentenced to serve a minimum of four years hard time on the West Point football team. Read more
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All characters, groups, and military units appearing in these works are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual military units and companies is purely coincidental.