Dear American,

The long wait is finally over. After nearly 250 years, we’re proud to announce the release of America v2.0. This revolutionary new product contains almost 4x the America as the previous version, without sacrificing any of the speed and efficiency you’ve come to expect from your favorite national provider.

How did we fit so much country into the same sized nation? Easy. We streamlined our synergy by abandoning less popular features, such as Social Security and educational reforms. The improvements don’t stop there, though. Read about some of our proudest and most patriotic updates below, all of which are guaranteed to enhance your American experience.

NATIONAL SECURITY — Mad props to our National Security team for installing a Firewall between America and Mexico. This 80-­foot towering inferno of flames stretches all the way from San Diego to El Paso to ensure your continued safety from the threat of having to purchase the Spanish version of Rosetta Stone.

THE HOMELESS — We teamed up with top technologists from Google to solve this little bugaboo by developing a form of green energy that​ runs entirely off recycled vagrants. ​Hobo­Fuel, burns exponentially cleaner than standard petroleum products and offers a nearly infinite fuel supply.

Better yet, the processing of ​Hobo­Fuel created thousands of new jobs in our Human “Resources” department. Win win!

WEALTH DISTRIBUTION — We had a great chart for this one, but the file was too big to upload into MailChimp.

 — We’re super excited to announce the hiring of a new Surgeon General, a man who brings with him decades of medical knowledge and industry prestige, daytime television’s very own, Dr. Oz.

His sweeping healthcare reforms will ensure that all Americans receive the medical care they deserve through supplemental health coverage. The supplements will come from Dr. Oz’s new line of all-­natural medicine, ​There’s No Place Like Homeopathy.

These wonder pills cure just about every ailment known to man. From the common cold to swamp sickness, diseases will become a thing of the past. In some rare cases, however, patients did experience the following side effects- the common cold and swamp sickness.

THE HOUSING CRISIS — Less of a priority now that we can make ​Hobo­Fuel.

GLOBAL WARMING — Our brilliant Engineering Department finally hacked this “problem” into submission by opening up thousands of running freezers in the nation’s hottest cities. How ​cool.

— Britain, now free of the EU, will be ratified as the 51st American State. Around the office, it’s known as “Brentrance”. This diplomatic ​coup d’état will make David Beckham ours once and for all. Now, that’s an international affair worth having 😉

NATIONAL IDENTITY — A revolutionary new product like America v2.0 deserves an equally revoltionaryized brand identity. That’s why we teamed up with America’s designer ​du jour, Lisa Frank, to completely overhaul our nation’s logo.

Lisa’s cutting­-edge design retains the metaphorical significance of an eagle clutching arrows and an olive branch, only with more kittens and rainbows. 

THE ECONOMY — We handed out a lot of business cards at SXSW this year and established some great connections. Also, we started a new LinkedIn account, which will hopefully spark interest in our résumé. So, things should start picking up for everyone soon.

— Yeah, well… did we mention the new logo?

GIVING BACK ­ — ​We recently launched our new incubator program to assist developing nations in achieving their maximum national potential. ​American Master Incubator, or, simply, AMasterBator lends support to up­-and­-coming nations through mentoring, investing, and newsletter writing.

All participating startup countries receive a $10k seed fund and a one-­month free trial of, ​There’s No Place Like Homeopathy, in return for a 90% stake in their nation.

IN CONCLUSION — We know you have a lot of choices when it comes to countries and we appreciate your loyalty to ours. Hopefully, this latest round of updates will remind you why you continue to use America on a daily basis.