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By  | July 2, 2012   DUFFEL BLOG:

“Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.

His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.

DEAR TOP: Why can’t we grow awesome beards and mustaches in combat? The Afghans will respect us, we won’t have as many weapons malfunctions or ambushes, and we’ll have awesome pictures of us looking bad-ass out at the COPs. What gives? –NEED A BEARD in Kabul, Afghanistan

DEAR NEED A BEARD: Besides being against AR 670-1, having a beard prevents you from getting a proper seal when using your gas mask. Now, I know you’re saying, but Sarge, when’s the last time we got gassed? Well shit-dick — when’s the last time the Afghans respected us? I don’t make the rules, I just enforce the goddamn things.

As for the mustaches — you can have one of those, but it needs to be neatly trimmed. I’m not exactly sure why the standards make you wear it like Hitler, but so be it. The keyword here is SITFU. If I have to explain it, then you don’t rate pubic hair, never mind what’s on your face.

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DEAR TOP: What was it like in Vietnam? Was it similar to Afghanistan? — INTERESTED IN HISTORY in Fort Knox, Kentucky

DEAR INTERESTED IN HISTORY: What was it like in Vietnam? Well, hell, where do I start? It was hotter than a goddamn whore house on nickel night. There were fuckers jumping out at you with black pajamas and AK-47s. It rained so damn much it was like God taking a long piss after drinking all day.

Are there paralells? Well — yeah we’re still killing motherfucking bad guys. There’s a similarity. They still use AK’s but speak another language that I don’t give a shit to learn. Anyway, that’s all I really have to say about that. If you want to learn more about the similarities, get your ass on a deployment to that shit-hole, then check out a book about ‘Nam and read the fuck up.

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DEAR TOP: I’m new to the infantry and my battle buddies told me that CLP is awesome for flogging the dolphin. It does say lubricant in the name, so I think it might be legit, but wanted to get a second opinion from someone who has been in for a while. -HAND SOLO at Joint Base Lewis-Chord, Washington

DEAR HAND SOLO: Why is one of my goddamn soldiers out there jerking off like a sad son of bitch? You should be out there on the town banging chicks so fast you shouldn’t even have the time to pull your pants up. When I was a young soldier  back in ’66, pussy was practically being thrown at my face! Even protest hippie chicks were down for it.

Now some will say it was because I sometimes waved my .45 sidearm in their face after drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels — but that’s a bunch of crap. I know deep down they were patriotic Americans that want to support the troops the best way they know how — by hopping on the old pogo stick and enjoying the ride.


Now that being said — if you still need to PT your little soldier — your goddamn battle buddies are spot-on. Amateurs use Axe body wash but it tends to leave a bit of a rash. That CLP is one of the best kept secrets in our big green machine. Best lube for masturbation in the world and keeps your dick clean at the same time.

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DEAR TOP: I am a thirty-something civilian with an itchy trigger finger and a halfway decent beard. Can I go over there and help you guys kill some terrorists? Thanks. -DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT in Boston, MA

DEAR DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT: Oh that’s really cute. You want to help us kill terrorists but your ass doesn’t go over to the nearest recruiting office and sign the fuck up? Where have I heard this one before.. oh yeah..

I’m on R&R from ‘Nam back in ’68. I’m sitting in some bar in Fayetteville. Some civilian comes up to me and wants to talk – starts asking me questions. Finally he says, “Yeah, I always wanted to join but you know…”

I said, no, I don’t know fuckstick. What are we suddenly brothers all of a sudden? You thought about cutting off enemy heads while I was actually doing it? I don’t think so dickwad.

So anyway — back to your original question. The answer is absolutely. You can come on over. Go down to your nearest recruiting office, sign up for the National Guard. You’ll have to shave your beard but luckily you can continue to be a fat-ass and the terrorist hunting permit sticker on the back of your truck will now be valid.

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Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to mailbag@duffelblog.com and it may be answered next 

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via Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant.

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